Marriage Moment: 12 Posts About Marriage

Ron Edmonson is someone who I visit very frequently because he has so much great information on the fair amount of topics, especially marriage. This post is one of my favorites because he has given us links to 12 different posts that cover a variety of topics in marriage that I feel are really important! Take a minute and read through this, check out some of the posts that are listed and if you want to visit his site and read this post in it's entirety, just click here!


~Nick~

At least once a week I hear about a marriage in trouble. We have a large church, so some of that is to be expected, but it seems there are more stresses on marriage today than ever before in my life. 

Would you agree?

At the same time, this blog is growing in numbers of readers every month and I’m consistently hearing online about marriages that are in trouble. Several months ago, I started addressing marriages each Monday. Since I started this blog, I’ve written extensively about the subject; practically placing my entire marriage conference teaching on this blog.

Today, I want to share my top dozen (12) posts about marriage.  If you want to work on your marriage, perhaps spending some time reading these posts will help. Read over the titles and decide which of these you need to read/re-read for your marriage. Feel free to share ones you think would be helpful for other couples. (You may also want to read the “related posts” shown below this one.)

7 Ways I Protect My Heart and Ministry From an Affair

A Secret Your Husband Needs You to Know

7 Top Needs of A Wife

6 Top Needs of A Husband

Winning Back the Heart of Your Wife

5 Major Reasons Marriages Fail


The Dangerous 7-Year Phenomenon

7 Things Your Wife Is Not

The Two Shall Become One Flesh

Addressing Major Problems in a Marriage

What to Do with a Marriage after an Affair

5 Obstacles to Having a Great Marriage

10 Things Submission Is Not

This post was written by Jen Smidt who writes occasionally for the Mars Hill Church blog, The Resurgence, and I have yet to read anything from her that wasn’t good stuff. This one is no different either, it truly is one of the best worded posts that I have seen on a topic this important. What makes it even better is this from a woman’s perspective and very biblical. I highly encourage you to check out some other posts she has written and all the great content at The Resurgence!

~Nick~

1. Simply or singularly a marriage issue

Submission is God’s design. It is a reflection of the interaction within the Trinity. Whether single or married, submission is a core heart issue revealing one’s dependence upon God. For a wife, it demonstrates her willingness to yield to her husband’s lead in obedience and belief of God’s covenant to her.

2. Degrading

Women have been lured into believing that submission is somehow humiliating. It does not bestow second-class status. It was Christ’s glory to submit to his father’s plan of redemption for his children; it is a wife’s glory to submit to God’s plan of provision and protection for her life

3. Silent

When submission is depicted as voiceless oppression, both men and women lose. God declared that men need help and to leave them without our prayerful input is to deny them help—the very thing God declared they need. Submission uses her voice to speak words of grace and life into her husband’s life.

4. Fearful

A fearful woman will have a very hard time submitting to her husband. A fearful woman isn’t actively trusting God with her life, which makes entrusting a man with your future nearly impossible. Submission to Christ frees a woman from fear as she rests in God’s character and provision for her, delivered through her husband.

5. Joyless

A joyless wife is an ungrateful wife. Submission says, as Jesus did, “Not my will but yours be done.” There is great joy found in doing the will of God. Even in the most difficult of circumstances, joy bubbles out of a heart that is thankful to God for who he is and what he gives.

“Whether single or married, submission is a core heart issue revealing one’s dependence upon God.”

6. Stifling

When submissive women are portrayed as stunted or limited in their freedom, they are being lied about. Submission is a safe place of protection where we are able to express our gifts and creativity for the glory of God and benefit of our marriages.

7. Dumb

It is not a dumb thing to do, nor does it make you dumb. There is no “I get to check my brain at the door because he is in charge” thinking as the world often portrays. Submission is the response of an intelligent woman who knows her Bible and believes that God’s design is best.

8. Weak

Submissive women are not mousy. They will not settle for doormat status. The posture of submission is strength willingly placed under the authority of another. Our husbands need our best. Our best is the power that comes from Christ alone as we depend on him to embody Christlikeness to our men.

9. Automatic

A submissive spirit does not kick in the moment you say, “I do”. It is a heart response that all women begin to cultivate as we submit to Christ first. Wives will have their hearts exposed in the area of submission to God. A wife who submits cheerfully and graciously to her husband will always have at her core a heart knelt in submission to Christ.

10. Self-Focused

A truly submissive heart doesn’t need to be concerned with taking care of herself. The submitted heart does not ask, “What’s in it for me?” but rather, “How can I serve God and my husband with my life?”

Practice Makes Perfect?

Let’s face it, we are living in a tech savvy era where communication has been made into an art form. It’s practically in the palm of everyone’s hand with all the social networks that seem to rule our cell phones and computers, making it extremely easy for us to talk to anyone at anytime. Most of us have no trouble talking to long lost friends or even strangers on Facebook or Twitter, but for some of us, talking to our spouse who’s sitting right beside us is a battle in itself.

Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:1 to “Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children”. I’m sure the idea of “perfect” may seem far off or even unreachable to some, but look at what Jesus told the rich man who wanted to know how to get into heaven in Matthew 19:21-22, “If you want to be perfect, go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.But when the young man heard this, he went away sad, for he had many possessions”

It’s all about making choices. If we truly want to change something or make something better then we all have to be willing to give up something for the cause. In this case, maybe giving up social networks and giving that time to “practice” some simple conversation with your spouse. It’s about making a commitment to each other, taking advantage of the opportunities that God has laid before you, and glorifying God in all that you do.

Ephesians 5:15-17 “So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do.” 

Let’s not squander away opportunities that God provides for you and risk throwing away your marriage. Don’t be like the rich man who walked away sad in in Matthew 19. You have the remedy to make things “perfect”, and what do you have to lose by having better communication with your spouse?

Don’t wait until tomorrow…..start serving your spouse today!

~Nick~

Winning Back The Heart of Your Wife–by Ron Edmonson

Below is a snippet of a post from Ron Edmondson back in March 2009 that focuses on husbands "Winning Back The Heart of Your Wife." To read this post in it's entirety, click here.

~Nick~

The following steps are designed for a man to help heal his wife’s heart.  Recently a pastor came to me with a horrible story of his wife’s sexual abuse as a child.  Even today she struggles to trust any man, including her husband.  This is the advice I gave this pastor.

Practice Patience.

The first thing men need to do is to recognize that restoring a broken heart will not happen overnight.  Emotions heal very slowly.  Steps should begin to restore an injured heart or to rebuild the marriage, but men should not expect too much too soon.

Love Your Wife

This is by far their greatest need.  Most wives have their love need unmet. The standard for our love is perfection, since a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church, so a man will actually never love his wife enough.  The wife knows, however, when the husband’s attention is somewhere else.  Most men sacrifice their marriage for their careers or other interests.  A wife’s love need is new every day.  A wife needs to know that she is second only to God in her husband’s affections.  I have found that for my love for my Cheryl to grow I need Christ’s help.  I pray for this often.

Romance Her

A woman has a need for romance.  Most wives had a fairy tale idea of marriage when they were growing up. They realize early in marriage this isn’t reality, but their need for occasional romance remains.  Men rarely know how to do this.  A man should be genuine, but should recognize and value the uniqueness of his wife and find ways to give her romance.  I gave my wife a “romantic” trip to New York City for Christmas one year. We were going to dance, walk through Central Park, and just enjoy each other.  It didn’t turn out exactly as I had planned it, but I earned huge points in the romance category with my wife.

Value Words

When a man comes home and says “This house is a mess”, being a mostly factual being, that’s probably all he meant.  He looked around, made a physical observation, and stated a factual conclusion. The wife, however, probably did not receive the information that way.  The wife most likely hears lots of negative information, such as, “You have done nothing all day”, or maybe even, “I don’t like you.”  That sounds impossible to most guy’s rational minds, but with emotions receiving information anything could be heard, whether that was the intended response or not.  Men need to learn how to be gentle with their wives and the words they use.   One question I ask men, “Would you let another man talk to your wife the way you talk to her?”

Communicate on Her Terms

Women communicate best heart to heart…not head to head.  A man should allow his wife to see his heart. He should be willing to be vulnerable with her.   Men may need to ask their wives to help them learn how to say things to her.  Men cannot talk to their wives as they would their guy friends.  Women require understanding, compassion, openness and honesty in communication.

Give Constant Assurance

Trust is an important need for a woman in relationships.  The wife needs to know that her husband is going to be faithful.  Men should not take offense, for example, when their wife asks details about their schedule or the activities of their day.  The wife desires to be a partner in her husband’s life and these details help her provide trust and security in the relationship.  A man should also tell his wife frequently that he loves her.  She needs this consistent assurance.

Learn to Live by Truth

Ultimately life cannot be lived strictly by emotions.  We need truth.  Emotions are often unreliable.  A woman who feels unloved may be very much loved by her family, but she fails to feel that truth because of years of emotional abuse.  Men should gently, but consistently speak truth in love, reminding his wife of her worth, her beauty, and her place in his life.  Over time truth, when given with love, can help heal damaged emotions.

Keep Doing It!

The heart is damaged over years and years of injury.   Sadly many women have deep and tragic heart wounds, but much of this injury will have been unintentionally delivered and small in terms of the magnitude of the incident.  Years of emotional injury builds up in the heart until the heart becomes closed.  The erasing of the pain will happen just as it was developed…a little bit at a time.  The husband cannot try this for a week and then stop.  Protecting a woman’s heart must become a lifestyle.

How to Fight Right in Marriage by Mark Driscoll (Part 2)

How to Fight Right in Marriage - Part 2

by: Pastor Mark Driscoll

Forgiveness

When we sin against our spouses, we cause them to suffer. When we sin, we are supposed to apologize, ask forgiveness, and try to make things right.

When we are sinned against, we need to forgive quickly. Jesus himself encourages us to do this, “Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who is indebted to us.” (Luke 11:4). We cannot simply ask God to forgive our sins. We must also extend that same forgiveness to others.

Forgiveness is a gospel issue. In our hurt and pain, we can lose sight of the truth that no one has been sinned against more than God. No one has been more wounded, grieved, hurt, betrayed, and mistreated than God. Furthermore, we each have contributed to the pain that God experiences, as all sin is ultimately against him (Psalm 51:4). This means that God could be the most embittered person, but instead, he came as Jesus and took our place to suffer for our sins, pronouncing forgiveness from the cross.

Therefore, our forgiveness of our spouses has very little, if anything, to do with them. Instead, it has everything to do with God. As an act of worship, we must respond to our sinful spouses as God has responded to our sin—with forgiveness—because it is a gospel issue. We cannot accept forgiveness from God without extending it to our spouses.

The Bible commands spouses to be in the ongoing habit of “forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). How did God forgive believers in Christ? We caused him to suffer unjustly, and he received it without bitterness, forgave us, pursued us, and wants good for us. This means that if I accept God’s forgiveness of my sins but refuse to forgive my spouse of his or her sins, I’m in effect saying by my actions that my spouse’s sin against me is worse than my sin against God.

Let’s clarify what forgiveness is not, so that we can practice true forgiveness in our marriages.

•   Forgiveness is not denying, approving, or diminishing sin that is committed against us. 
•   Forgiveness is not forgetting about sin committed against us. 
•   Forgiveness is not a one-time event. 
•   Forgiveness is not reconciliation. 

True forgiveness loves despite sin. Just as God forgives not just undeserving, but ill deserving sinners, we must too. We do not forgive our spouses because they are good or deserving but rather because God is good and deserving. Forgiveness includes wanting good for the spouse who sinned against you, being able to pray for his or her well-being, and not keeping a record of wrongs against your spouse like a pile of rocks to throw when convenient. Forgiveness is an ongoing lifestyle that is incredibly costly to us and lived out of love for God and others.

Today, if you have sinned against your spouse, go and ask forgiveness. If you have been sinned against by your spouse, pray for the Holy Spirit to help you forgive, and seek reconciliation. Again, we all will fight in our marriages. While can’t control when or how conflict will come, we can control our response to it. The question is, will you honor God and fight to his glory? Or will fight in a selfish way that dishonors God and harms your marriage? My prayer is that you choose the former.

Click here to see this post in it's entirety and you can visit pastormark.tv if you're interested in other posts about other topics on his website!

How to Fight Right in Marriage by Mark Driscoll (Part 1)

How to Fight Right in Marriage - Part 1

by: Pastor Mark Driscoll

You will sin against your spouse, and your spouse will sin against you. Sin is like trash. When this happens, you will fight. Every home accumulates trash, so we must take it out often. Failure to do so stinks up the entire home. In this way sin is like trash, and every home has it. Repentance and forgiveness are how a couple takes their trash out.
 

Repentance 

 

Jesus never sinned, and so he never repented. But unlike Jesus, we sin all the time. Therefore, we need to repent often. Repentance is a favorite word of God’s prophets throughout the Bible. Since Jesus died for our sin, we can put our sin to death by the power of the Holy Spirit. That is repentance.

To best understand what repentance looks like in our marriages, let’s look at some common misunderstandings of what repentance is not.

•   Repentance is not getting caught, but coming clean. 
•   Repentance is not excusing our sin. 
•   Repentance is not just shedding a few tears, looking sad, and saying you’re sorry. 
•   Repentance is not solely grieving the consequences of your sin, but hating the evil of the sin itself. 
•   Repentance is not a mere confession.

True repentance is a combination of three things:

Repentance includes confession. In confession, you agree with God that you have sinned. Confession includes both your mind and mouth.
Repentance includes contrition. In contrition, you feel what God feels about your sin. Confession includes both your emotions and expressions. Your heart is affected, not just your words.
Repentance includes change. In change, you stop sinning and start worshipping. Change includes your will and works.

Every married couple has to continually practice repentance of sin if they hope to have any loving, lasting life together. As one writer wisely said, “Couples don’t fall out of love so much as they fall out of repentance.”

Click here to see more posts from Pastor Mark Driscoll and stay tuned for Part 2 of "How to Fight Right in Marriage" on Wednesday when he finishes up this great topic by talking about "Forgiveness."

Protecting Our Hearts

Unfortunately, something that's fairly common to hear is married folks who say they've “fallen out of love” with their spouse and they've “fell in love” with someone else through the act of adultery.  By using the language of “falling,” people are cleverly avoiding any responsibility, as if they are simply required to follow their heart. However, the Bible actually tells us not to "follow" our heart, but we should actually “guard” it due to the fact that our heart is seemingly prone toward selfishness and sin. (Proverbs 4:23; Jeremiah 17:9)

The Bible also says, that love does not come from our hearts, but it actually comes through our hearts. That's because “God is love,” and in our relationship with God, we receive God’s love to share with others (1 John 4:7–21). When God is present in our life, it is only then that we are able to love our spouse with God’s love. Galatians 5:22 says, “the fruit of the Spirit is love," and even when we don’t feel like being loving with our spouse, we can give love to them and receive love from them if we live a Spirit-filled life.

~Nick~